Fear of Love

      “You did what?!”

     I looked at Danny in amazement. This was the last thing I expected from Danny. The very last thing.
     “I’m sorry, Teri. I had to tell her.”
     ‘Her’ being his wife. 
     “I thought we had decided to end this, no one the wiser but us.”
     Danny looked at the floor. I could not imagine what he thought was so interesting in the worn sculptured carpet.
     “I don’t want to end this,” he finally replied.

     Great. Complications. I turned my back to Danny, looked across my studio apartment toward the king-size bed where we had spent several intense afternoons. 
     I loved Danny. He had come into my life when I didn’t even realize I needed someone and our personalities meshed in a way I hadn’t thought would ever be possible again after the death of my husband. Yes, he told me up front he was married, and had no intentions of leaving his wife. Yes, I knew what we were doing was wrong, but since I had meant to live the rest of my life alone, I had buried my morals deeply and allowed my love for Danny to override my good common sense.
     Now . . . now I was going to have to figure out how to deal with a scorned woman. One that I had really done wrong to, not one who just assumed that I was after her man. Well, I wasn’t really after this one’s man, either; falling in love with Danny wasn’t anything I had expected nor hoped for when we met at a concert, waiting in line for a Maker’s and Coke.

     “When?” I needed to know how long I had before I had to leave town.
     “This morning, at breakfast.”
     “What a way to start your wife’s day,” I told him, turning to stare at this man whom I had suddenly discovered I knew less about than I knew about the current President. “Why today?”
     “It’s my birthday.” Great. Something else I didn’t know. “I knew she had planned a party and I couldn’t face pretending I was happy any longer.”
     Oh, boy.  “And you think . . . never mind. You didn’t think.” I turned my back to Danny again. 

     “Teri . . . ” he began. 
     “Go on,” I told him. “It can’t get worse . . . or does it?”
     “Well . . . ” he began and stopped again.
     “No! Don’t you dare tell me that!” I knew what was coming next. She had tossed him out and he was ready to move in here. That I was definitely not ready for.
     He evidently knew what I was thinking. “Where am I to go?” he asked.
     “There are a dozen motels on the way out of town.” I paused. “And this apartment will be vacant by tomorrow afternoon.”
     I was going to have to find somewhere that would tolerate a cat whose main talent was shredding curtains. Damn! I needed to get packed and out of here now!
     At least it was near the end of the month so I wouldn’t lose an entire month’s rent money. Guess there is a silver lining to every cloud . . .

     “Danny . . . ” I started, then stopped. I didn’t know how to talk to this man any longer. We had had many interesting conversations, I had laughed at his inane jokes, but when it came to seriously considering living together, I was tongue-tied and panicked. Oh, boy.
     “Danny, you need to leave. I need to pack.” Thankfully this studio apartment came fully furnished so all I had to pack was clothes, toiletries and Cuddles’ food and toys.  
     “Why?” he asked.
     I could not believe he actually asked ‘why.’ Men can be so dense at times. Did he not think his wife would come looking for me with revenge on her mind? Well . . . being as I didn’t know the woman, not even what she looked like, I wasn’t sure she would do that, but with a woman scorned, anything is possible.
     “Because . . .” Hell. I didn’t need to give him a ‘because’ . . . I turned to look at Danny again. 
     “Because I need to be out of town before your wife comes looking for me, and leaving is the only way I know to end what we had decided last night to end, for once and for all.” 
     I looked down at the sculptured carpet. Maybe it was that interesting. “Danny, I love you to the depths of my being, but we cannot be together.”
     I looked back up at Danny. “You need to leave.”

     I saw the hurt in his eyes, the disbelief. I shook my head when he reached for me and started to speak. I knew if he touched me, I could not stand my ground, could not turn away from him another time. I could not explain my fear of letting him fully into my life for I do not know where that fear comes from.

     I watched Danny drive away, my heart breaking as his car disappeared around the corner. The only love I would ever know for the rest of my life I sent away. I decided that living alone was what I needed to do, at least until I could find the source of my fear. 
     “Someday I’ll come back and tell him the truth. Tell him why he had to leave and I have to live alone. Someday when I understand it myself.”