Samuel,
I never expected to have love again in my life after my dear Henry died. Meeting you was unexpected and your profession of love even more unexpected. My feelings for you are also unexpected, so much so that I do not trust them.
I am afraid to call what I feel “love” for I do not trust my own heart. If I can’t trust my own heart, how am I to trust you and your heart, Samuel? I want your love for me to be as strong and true and encompassing as Henry’s was. Can it be? Will it be? I want to love you as easily and completely as I loved Henry. Can I? I don’t know.
Neither did I know that I could fear being loved and loving again. Nor do I know from where the fear arises. The intensity of my feelings for you? The suddenness of this? My lack of trust in both our hearts?
Samuel, I know this vexes you. I wish it didn’t. I don’t know how to deal with all this, to accept that it is possible for me to have love once more in my life, to embrace you and your love, and to open my heart fully to you.
You have upset my life, scattered my assumptions to the four winds. You have added passion to my existence and restored laughter to my days.
And still I am afraid of the future, distrustful of our hearts.
Samuel, one day at a time is all I can handle right now. I need to overcome the fear, and to learn to trust you as I trusted Henry.
Please understand. I am not turning away from you, only requesting your patience.
I never expected to have love again in my life after my dear Henry died. Meeting you was unexpected and your profession of love even more unexpected. My feelings for you are also unexpected, so much so that I do not trust them.
I am afraid to call what I feel “love” for I do not trust my own heart. If I can’t trust my own heart, how am I to trust you and your heart, Samuel? I want your love for me to be as strong and true and encompassing as Henry’s was. Can it be? Will it be? I want to love you as easily and completely as I loved Henry. Can I? I don’t know.
Neither did I know that I could fear being loved and loving again. Nor do I know from where the fear arises. The intensity of my feelings for you? The suddenness of this? My lack of trust in both our hearts?
Samuel, I know this vexes you. I wish it didn’t. I don’t know how to deal with all this, to accept that it is possible for me to have love once more in my life, to embrace you and your love, and to open my heart fully to you.
You have upset my life, scattered my assumptions to the four winds. You have added passion to my existence and restored laughter to my days.
And still I am afraid of the future, distrustful of our hearts.
Samuel, one day at a time is all I can handle right now. I need to overcome the fear, and to learn to trust you as I trusted Henry.
Please understand. I am not turning away from you, only requesting your patience.
Eleanor
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